the new “90210”:
a brandon’s buzz live blog event
posted at 6:38 pm by brandon in no, y'all didn't take me back for a minute! what?!
6:38 pm: Got a bowl of tomato soup and some goldfish crackers before me, and anticipation is building. T-minus 22 minutes and counting, people!
6:41 pm: The terrific Sherry Ann is the world’s leading 9021-ologist — quite seriously, she knows everything — so it feels odd to be doing this without her at my side. However, I’ve invited her to send along her thoughts (and I know damn well she’ll have some!) via text message.
6:44 pm: Sherry Ann just alerted me she’s gonna miss the first thirty minutes of the episode, because she and the chillins are at soccer practice. My response: “Hurry home!”
6:47 pm: Anybody else catch my literary hero Jay McInerney on the “Gossip Girl” season premiere last night? Whoa! Sherry Ann had texted to warn me it was coming — I had to miss the first half, so I watched it on videotape later — but even though I was prepared for it, I still almost choked on my Rice Krispies!
6:50 pm: A quote from Sherry Ann last night: “New ‘90210’ and new NKOTB… it’s like the ’90s all over again!”
6:51 pm: Umm, yeah!
6:54 pm: Any thoughts out there about the Misery-esque storyline that kicked off on last night’s “One Tree Hill”? Sherry Ann instantly proclaimed it as stupid, but I think it might be interesting, as long as they don’t drag it out too long.
6:55 pm: Five minutes! I’m starting to get sweaty palms!
6:58 pm: So in case y’all don’t remember, let’s do a little background on the original “90210”: the Walsh family — parents Jim and Cindy, and twins Brenda and Brandon — move from the cozy confines of Minnesota out to the craziness that is Beverly Hills, and at first it’s a disaster, but they slowly make friends
7 pm: OK, kids, here we go!
7:01 pm: Jesus, not Coldplay again! “OTH” used Coldplay last night also!
7:02 pm: There’s a black kid on the new “90210”! That’s a new wrinkle!
7:03 pm: Lori Loughlin is still hot after all these years!
7:04 pm: Did the original “90210” ever have a single black person in its ten-year history? Paging Sherry Ann!
7:05 pm: Whoa, Ethan!
7:06 pm: Inside joke number one: Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez! Hello, Andrea’s daughter!
7:07 pm: WOW, is the English teacher hot!
7:08 pm: Hel-LOW, Jennie Garth. Kelly’s the guidance counselor now? Pshaw!
7:09 pm: First impression of Ethan: He’s no Luke Perry. He’s not even an Ian Ziering.
7:12 pm: OK, impressions of the first ten minutes: a LOT of new faces and names to process. So far, the English teacher is the guy I most wanna follow home. That scruffy, nerdy thing gets me urry time.
7:13 pm: So, I remember (and fondly) Mariah the inspirational speaker. And I seem to remember Brandon working with a black guy on the college paper or something. But after that, I can’t remember a single black person on the original show! Seriously!
7:15 pm: Did that just say “Music by Liz Phair”? Whoa!
7:16 pm: Inside joke number two: Silver? As in… David Silver?
7:17 pm: Hello, hot English teacher!
7:17 pm: OK, Rob Estes is still pretty hot himself. Anyone else already rooting for him and Kelly Taylor to have an affair?
7:17 pm: Nat! Don’t tell me The Peach Pit is a coffeehouse now?!
7:20 pm: How did the black kid learn how to play a wicked game of lacrosse in Kansas?!
7:22 pm: OK, so quick recap: the Principal and his wife are both hot. The principal used to live in Beverly Hills as a teenager, and is coming back to whip the place into shape. (Insert your own Lean On Me joke here. Mine will be: “They useta call me ‘Cray-zuh Joe,’ now they can call me ‘Bat-man!'”) The principal has a black son and a white daughter. The black son is a star lacrosse player. The white daughter is a literature geek and a Dickens fan. And the really cool kids get hummers in their Hummers out in the school parking lot. Oh, and the English teacher’s to die for. That about cover it so far?
7:24 pm: And Kelly Taylor’s a guidance counselor! As screwed up as that girl was back in the day, would you ever want that crazy heifer guiding your life? Or your kids‘?!
7:26 pm: Between Kelly Taylor and Tami Taylor, all I can say is: guidance counselors have gotten one hell of a lot cooler than when I was in high school.
7:28 pm: First classic line of the night: “I have enough of my own, thank you.”
7:29 pm: Apeshit crazy grandma alert!
7:30 pm: Anybody else, like, seriously missing Luke Perry at this point?!
7:31 pm: ‘Cause this Ethan fop ain’t gonna cut it long-term.
7:32 pm: Is it just me, or have there been way too many commercial breaks in the first half-hour?
7:35 pm: Whoa, crazy Silver is Kelly’s sister?!
7:36 pm: Hot English Teacher is also the lacrosse coach? Did I miss something?
7:38 pm: OK, weren’t Kelly and David Silver related somehow? Like, Kelly’s mom married his dad? Sherry Ann, help!
7:39 pm: Look at this Annie girl really close, and she really could be Lori Loughlin’s daughter. Uncanny casting, that!
7:45 pm: OK, another recap: I still haven’t figured out the black kid’s name (which is horrible, because I’m really starting to feel bad about calling him “the black kid” over and over again). Annie is in trouble for farming out her Dickens paper. The English teacher is still insanely hot, in a geeky kinda way. Kelly and Silver are sisters, which is blowing my mind. The principal’s mother is a crazy, hilarious drunk. What did I miss?
7:47 pm: Still no word from Sherry Ann; soccer practice must’ve ran over.
7:48 pm: OK, where have I seen Naomi’s mother before?
7:49 pm: Ah, his name is Dixon!
7:50 pm: Another damned commercial break!
7:56 pm: Sherry Ann just informed me Kelly graduated with a degree in psychology. Regardless, I still wouldn’t want her guiding my kids’ lives and futures.
7:57 pm: Whoa! Whoa! Noble principal and Naomi’s mom have a child!
7:59 pm: Poor Ethan’s about to get his ass kicked!
8 pm: If this Silver chick is how you gauge “normal people,” you gots trubble, honey
8:04 pm: Classic line number two: “It’s a Mercedes, not a corn thresher!”
8:05 pm: Kelly has a kid, and Sherry Ann immediately leaps to the conclusion that Dylan is the daddy. Hey, it could be Steve, you never know!
8:08 pm: Hot English Teacher is back! Do we know his name yet, incidentally?
8:09 pm: Mr. Matthews! I tell you what, ask and you shall receive!
8:11 pm: What do you mean, Annie? Of course you can speak intimately with a blogger!
8:12 pm: OK, that was hysterical! I need to figure out how to do something like that for the Buzz!
8:14 pm: So, there’s a neat little triangle brewing between Annie, Ethan, and Naomi. And between the Principal, his hot wife, and Naomi’s mom. I think I’m kinda digging this so far.
8:17 pm: I need to find out some of these actors’ names. And also, I need to figure out where I’ve seen Naomi’s mom before. And also, how to get Hot English Teacher to fall in love with me without making A jealous.
8:19 pm: What the f**k have these people done to the Peach Pit, though?!
8:20 pm: I applaud the fact that there’s a black kid this go-round, but Dixon is already starting to grate on my nerves.
8:22 pm: OK, so now it’s also an Annie/Ethan/rich kid triangle. Throw in Naomi, and it’s a love rectangle!
8:24 pm: Classic line number three: “It’s like Pretty Woman, but I’m not a whore!”
8:25 pm: Whoa! The classic lines flew at breakneck pace throughout that brief exchange. “See ya ’round, Cheetah Girls! Nobody break a nail!” That’s number four!
8:26 pm: Hot English Teacher just stuck his foot in his mouth with Miss Taylor! Nonetheless, I smell another combustible couple brewing there.
8:28 pm: Metro Station! It only took eighty-eight minutes to finally get a cool song played!
8:29 pm: Brenda and Kelly, together again!!!
8:30 pm: Wow, that was like being fourteen all over again! For, like, real!
8:30 pm: Jennie still looks amazingly hot these days, no?!
8:32 pm: Does the rich kid have a name yet? I’m not sure I’m feeling this plot twist, because I was already kinda coming around on Ethan, and I was already kinda rooting for an Annie/Ethan hookup. Is that wrong of me?
8:34 pm: Is it just me, or are we churning through a lot of plot here in the first two hours? I’m starting to get a little dizzy.
8:37 pm: Whoa! Is that Linda Gray?!
8:38 pm: Linda Gray is Ethan’s grandma?! To quote that great wackydoo Abra Moore, “What?! Left field!”
8:39 pm: Jason Mraz is playing. Sherry Ann is freaking out.
8:40 pm: Are you kidding me with the freakin’ commercial breaks?!!
8:41 pm: Sherry Ann and I are now theorizing about who sired Kelly Taylor’s son. Discuss.
8:44 pm: Yeah, this whole Dixon subplot could easily be dropped.
8:45 pm: Rob Estes still has the most defined cheekbones I ever saw in my life!
8:46 pm: Well, besides James Marsden’s, anyway!
8:47 pm: So, Silver and Naomi used to be best friends, and they have the same tattoo. Hmm…
8:49 pm: AAAARGH!! This is, like, the fifteenth commercial break!
8:52 pm: “We have rules, Annie!” God love you, Lori Loughlin!
8:55 pm: Uh-oh, Brenda meets Hot English Teacher. Betcha this won’t end well!
8:56 pm: Yeah, that’s a look we’ve seen before! Shannen’s still got it, kids!
8:58 pm: Wow, Rob and Lori are, like, hot together.
8:58 pm: Aww, I kinda feel bad for Ethan now!
9:05 pm: OK, so final thoughts: all in all, that wasn’t half bad! The nods to history — Nat, Silver, Andrea’s daughter, and Kelly and Brenda — were nice touches without being overwhelming, and the adults — Hot English Teacher, specifically — are interesting. The girl who plays Annie seems like a major find, though I could take or leave Dixon and that mess, and though he really doesn’t hold a candle to any of the original male cast (and that includes Scott Scanlon!), I came around fairly quickly on Ethan. I think the cast has a stunning amount of dead weight so far, but they’ll likely get that ironed out in time as they begin to figure out what’s working and what isn’t; still, they’ve got some work to do yet before they can begin to approach the magic of the original ensemble. A summation from Sherry Ann is forthcoming.
9:16 pm: I just realized where I saw Naomi’s mother before! She was Dylan Neal’s wife (Amy? Alice?) on the late, great, unheralded WB classic “Hyperion Bay”! I still mourn the hideous way that brilliant piece of television went down in flames!
9:24 pm: Sherry Ann just texted to inform me that Vivica Fox was on the original show, and that her brother attended West Beverly High but she didn’t.
9:25 pm: Sherry Ann: “What about D’Shawn?!”
9:26 pm: OK, so there were black people on the original! Calf rope!
9:28 pm: I just read on another “9021(2.)0” premiere blog that that Silver chick is Jackie and Mel’s daughter, Erin. Whoa! Jackie and Mel had a daughter?! When did I miss that?!
9:29 pm: From Sherry Ann: “Silver is Erin Silver. Mel and Jackie’s daughter that they had right after they got together. She is David and Kelly’s half sister.” Sorry, but I totally forgot that subplot!
9:45 pm: Finally, she files a verdict! From Sherry Ann: “I liked it but… I was way more interested in what was going on with Kelly and Brenda than the kids.” Ya think?!
9:50 pm: Sherry Ann agrees with me that Hot English Teacher is the one to watch. As she put it, “Way hotter than those boys!” Preach it, sister!
