Brandon's Buzz

“I can’t put my finger on it because I don’t have enough fingers.”

— besieged Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones, speaking to reporters last night immediately following yet another crushing loss — this one to the Green Bay Packers, who rolled over America’s Team in a 45-7 rout — and answering a question about what, exactly, he thinks is wrong with his team. (Editor’s note: Hey Jer, I could temporarily loan you all ten of my fingers as well, and I posit you still wouldn’t have enough, so legion are your debilitating issues.)

“By the time I was about to graduate, I had a fellowship to graduate school, because I wanted to be, of course, Dr. Long… But you had to take the GRE! That’s a big test, right? And a third of it’s math. Let me tell ya: I can’t do math. I had put it off every year until I couldn’t graduate unless I took the idiot math, and in the first day of the class, they said, you know, ‘Integer.’ And I’m like, ‘What?! What’s an integer?!’ And they said, ‘It means number.’ I said, ‘I am in so much trouble….'”

— the hilariously brilliant Pamela K. Long, former headwriter of “Guiding Light,” discussing her college days on Brandon’s Buzz Radio. (This is for you, A, my all-time favorite math genius.)

“When Volume One sells five million copies, your next record is called Volume Two.”

— legendary music mogul Clive Davis, simplifying for Rolling Stone his decision to send Rod Stewart spelunking into the great American songbook

A pitched a hissy fit over the Michael J. Fox quotation, so let’s see how this one grabs him.

From one of American cinema’s great classics, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion:

Romy: “All right, according to this chart, if we wanna lose a pound a day, we have to burn twice as many calories as we eat. So that means if we wanna burn 4000 calories, we only have to run twenty miles a day!”

Michele: “Oh! Hey Romy, remember Mrs. Shivitz’s class? There was, like, always a word problem. Like, there’s a guy in a rowboat going X miles, and the current is going, like, you know… some other miles, and… how long does it take him to get to town? It was like, ‘Who cares? Who wants to go to town with somebody who drives a rowboat?!'”

To quote Joanne Woodward, my heart. Is full.

from one Michael J. Fox:

“If 2 + 2 = 4 every time… what good is it?”

Preach it, brother.