the “idol” finale:
a brandon’s buzz live blog event (day two)
posted at 6:52 pm by brandon in idolatry
6:50 pm: OK, this is more like it. Hey guys, are we ready for two bloated hours of movie previews, pitchy performances from has-been former stars, and the coronation of a new American god? Yup, me too. Can’t wait!
6:54 pm: So, I have a bit of housekeeping to take care of before the show starts. Here’s what I get for not paying attention last night: neither Archie nor Jughead actually sang the true 2008 American Idol Coronation track last night. Because of last year’s “This is My Now” trainwreck (which, some say, unfairly tipped the scales in favor of Jordin over the more electrifying Blake when they both had to sing it in ’07’s performance finale), the producers decided to let each David pick their favorite from the top ten entries in the songwriting contest, and decided to save the winner for tonight’s show.
6:56 pm: The winner is called “Time of My Life” and it was written by a guy called Regie Hamm, whose name you may or may not recognize. He released a terrific album called American Dreams in 2003, and I’m pretty sure nobody but my deranged ass owns it. And/or loves it.
6:58 pm: At some point during this evening’s festivities, I’ll figure out how to link to Amazon’s Regie Hamm page so that you can check it out. It’s a very good album.
7:00 pm: It’s finally here! Is David Cook wearing a Nehru jacket, for the love of Jesus?!
7:01 pm: Sorry, meant, is Jughead wearing a Nehru jacket, for the love…?!
7:02 pm: 97.5 million votes! Bet Hillary’s seething!
7:03 pm: Live remotes from Archie and Jughead’s hometowns?
7:05 pm: I’m puttin’ it on record right here at the outset: If I don’t get a duet between Brooke and Carly Simon at some point tonight, I’m gonna be hacked.
7:05 pm: Anybody else remember the year they brought in Meat Loaf to sing “It’s All Coming to Back to Me Now” with the clearly horrified Katharine McPhee? She looked like she was gonna vomit all over the Kodak Theater! (Incidentally, she nicely approximated my reaction as a home viewer. Some things are just too damn sacred!)
7:07 pm: I heard a rumor that George Michael is taking part in the party tonight. If that turns out to be true, I swear all is forgiven. I’ll take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said about this show!
7:08 pm: Shh! Wanna hear a secret? A is on the tips of his toes waiting for the new Indiana Jones movie to come out! Yes, that A!
7:10 pm: So, 97.5 million? Did the last presidential election even get that many votes?
7:10 pm: OK, Jughead and Archie trying to emulate subpar Chad Kroeger is not an encouraging start. Pace yourselves, boys! We still got 109 minutes to get through, here!
7:12 pm: Archie has utterly no clue what he’s singing!
7:13 pm: Anybody else refuse to believe they’re friends in real life?
7:14 pm: Oh my God, please make this stop. George is gonna leave if y’all keep this unfunny crap up!
7:15 pm: Archie flashes that goofy grin so much that it’s impossible to read what he’s really thinking.
7:15 pm: Oh, dear God.
7:16 pm: Guys, Carly is gonna leave, too!
7:18 pm: Welcome back, Syesha! Does this mean Seal is joining her onstage?
7:19 pm: Hi, Seal!
7:19 pm: To quote the sage of the age, “We’re never gonna survive if we don’t get a little crazy.” Preach it, brother.
7:20 pm: OK, this is fun and all — this was always one of my favorite Seal songs — but I still want my Brooke/Carly duet.
7:21 pm: I’m not kidding.
7:32 pm: Sorry, blog fart there. I’m back. Donna Summer looks pretty damn good! She’s gotta be at least 60 now, right?! And still takin’ ’em all to school!
7:33 pm: Quick take on Jason Castro and “Hallelujah”: Damn, he can sing that song well!
7:34 pm: “Last Dance”!
7:35 pm: Syesha gets another duet?!
7:36 pm: Too bad they couldn’t work “Heaven Knows” into that li’l medley there. I always had a soft spot for that one.
7:37 pm: Edward Norton as the Hulk! Most seriously, I can’t wait to see that!
7:38 pm: So, Sherry Ann ribbed me last night for calling these live blogs an “event.” However, I’m proud to say that yesterday, the Buzz had a record day for blog “hits.” So, in other words, Sherry: Bite. Me.
7:39 pm: These are jokes. You know I love you, too!
7:40 pm: Carly and Michael get a duet?! And why don’t I know this song?!
7:41 pm: Quick iTunes check: it’s an old Joe Cocker song. Thanks, Steve!
7:44 pm: Shtick from Jimmy Kimmel. I’m not a fan of his in general, but he does the funniest thing on his show, a little something called “This Week in Unnecessary Censorship,” in which he takes perfectly innocent news clips or sitcom scenes and bleeps out key words to make it look like they were cussing. It’s brilliant.
7:46 pm: Oh, sweet Jesus, a Bryan Adams medley.
7:47 pm: Guess that means the real thing is hiding backstage?
7:48 pm: Damn, Bryan looks pretty good these days, too!
7:49 pm: Archie looks like he’s having a little fun for the first time this whole season!
7:50 pm: He must have the Bryan Adams power ballad collection on his iPod.
7:51 pm: Not that I can say anything. I do too.
7:55 pm: ZZ Top?!
7:57 pm: What, Switchfoot was booked?!
7:59 pm: Now we’re on to Jughead’s music teacher? Oh, this is retarded!
8:00 pm: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOO!
8:01 pm: I requested Carly Simon, guys! Not Graham Nash!
8:01 pm: OK, they make a good team, and Brooke is gorgeous tonight. But where’s Carly?!
8:02 pm: I really dislike this Coldplay song. If I have to put up with it all summer, I really am gonna retch. No joke.
8:05 pm: Well, hour one is down. How’s everybody holding up out there?
8:08 pm: OK, while waiting for the Jonas Brothers to go away, I’ve been trying (without luck, natch) to embed the Amazon link to Regie Hamm’s album. Help, Mike!
8:09 pm: Did I just see Justin Guarini in the audience?!
8:10 pm: Ugh, it’s not bad enough that we have to sit through weeks of these awful audition episodes every season?!
8:11 pm: OK, the “Let My People Go” one was kinda funny.
8:12 pm: However, do NOT tell me Carly Simon got thrown over for this idiot.
8:13 pm: Calf rope!
8:13 pm: Paula looks like she’s just precious moments away from falling out of that flimsy dress, yeah?
8:18 pm: Holy crap, it’s OneRepublic! I love these guys!
8:19 pm: That’s Ryan Tedder, boys and girls. Not only is he scorchingly gorgeous, he can sing his ever-lovin’ ass off, and he’s a genius. And on his way to being a big star.
8:20 pm: Archie?! They let Archie come out to sing this song with him?!
8:20 pm: Oh no, they didn’t!!
8:21 pm: Ryan Tedder looks like he wants to deck the fop!
8:21 pm: And think of how much fun that could have been if they had let Jughead do that instead! Or Brooke!!
8:23 pm: Archie’s dad looks as creepy as ever, agreed?
8:23 pm: Jordin, honey, you seriously need a gay best friend. That’s the most heinous dress I’ve ever seen!
8:25 pm: Whoa, that gold lame is blinding me! Make her go away!
8:26 pm: OK, this whole presentation is making my hair hurt. Basta!
8:27 pm: This damned Coldplay commercial again! Again, basta!
8:27 pm: Would you think me incredible if I confess that this Zohan movie looks kinda funny? A and I saw the trailer this weekend, and while Adam Sandler has never done anything above making my teeth itch,
I can’t help it. Funny is funny!
8:30 pm: Three half hours down, one to go. Do I speak for the world when I say, “Praise. Jesus.”?
8:31 pm: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Bob Downey as Pips? I’m not kidding you, guys: George is gonna leave!
8:34 pm: Whoa! Carrie’s workin’ the cleavage!
8:36 pm: I’m a huge fan of Carrie Underwood, it’s quite true, and I love her second album, Carnival Ride. But this song totally escapes me. Maybe because I remember Alan Jackson’s “I Don’t Even Know Your Name” from years ago, and that was a much better song.
8:37 pm: Girl’s got some pipes, though. Can’t deny it.
8:39 pm: Ashlee Simpson?
8:42 pm: Another J.J. Abrams mindfuck?
8:43 pm: Makes me almost wish they’d play that Coldplay ad again.
8:43 pm: OK, first they let Archie destroy “Apologize” and now Kristy Lee gets to lead off “Faith”?!
8:44 pm: OK, this is more like it.
8:45 pm: Yeah, so far, this is genius. But where’s George?!
8:47 pm: Why didn’t they just let Brooke and Jughead do this whole medley and let everybody else watch from their dressing rooms?
8:48 pm: Finally!!
8:49 pm: OK, A is gonna be soooo excited. He loves this arrangement of “Praying for Time.” Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to make that boy come to his senses regarding this brilliant, brilliant singer?!
8:49 pm: Even Paula looks excited! She’s crying!
8:51 pm: I. Am. Literally. In. Heaven.
8:51 pm: This is a falsetto, ladies and gentlemen.
8:52 pm: This is a finish!
8:52 pm: Even Simon is impressed!
8:53 pm: Sherry Ann, (hopefully) A, and myself, are all going to see King George in concert in Houston this July. Literally, I’m counting the minutes!
8:55 pm: Finally, results time. We haven’t even had one conversation about who we think is gonna win! What do you guys think? The consensus all day has been that Archie’s got it in the bag. Thoughts?
8:56 pm: A direct quote from my cranky British pal Mike: “Those specs made [George] look 80.”
8:56 pm: My response: “It wasn’t the specs, it was the cannabis!”
8:58 pm: Paula’s babbling about destiny again.
8:59 pm: Simon’s apologizing?!
9:00 pm: The card’s been delivered. It’s showtime!
9:00 pm: Whoa! Jughead by a mile!
9:00 pm: Ooh, I bet Archie’s dad is pissed.
9:02 pm: This really is poetic justice. What’s great about this is, the artist won and not the vocalist.
9:02 pm: Twelve million votes is a huge margin, though! I thought it would be much closer than that!
9:05 pm: I’m tearing up too, now!
9:06 pm: Well, it’s a wrap for another year, guys! Thanks again for letting me share your “Idol” experience this year! Let’s do it again next January!
May 21st, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Uh-oh. Archie’s in for a whippin’ when he gets home.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Magic Rainbows… Wheeeee!
May 21st, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Fun!
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 pm
No comment on the gay stripper getting to sing “bold and naked” in “Father Figure”? Cracked me the hell up.
And how the hell did you not know “The Letter”? I didn’t recognize it from the title, but I was singing along. Actually, I was listening in amazement and thinking that Michael and Carly really need to release a duets album. They could be the modern-day Porter and Dolly. I’d love to see Michael in rhinestone-studded polyester suits.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Here are a few “bests” from last night’s show in my view:
The best super-amateur relief: Renaldo Lapuz with the high school band, cheerleaders, and dancing Paula Abdul (who is as crazy as ever) brought down the house, at least my house. The best laugh of the night without question.
The best amateur performance: Although Brandon asserts that Jason Castro is “a perfect illustration of the blind pig theory,” Jason’s rendition of “Hallelujah” was, to use another Brandonism, “nothing short of magical.” In fact, that might have been even better than any of the six songs from the night before!
The best professional performance: while of two different genres, OneRepublic’s “Apologize” (and yes, I agree, Ryan Tedder is good and gorgeous, though I am not ready to give him the third g just yet: genius) and George Michael’s Unplugged version of “Praying for Time” (and seeing it live should be fantastic).
The best quote: Paula Abdul gets it hands down, “You are both tryers.” Her speech about realizing one’s failures and one’s humanity was actually not so bad at all. As crazy as she is, she had her moments.
Well, there is much more for me to say, but I’ll spare your souls. After all, you are here to read Brandon’s Buzz, not mine. Thanks for giving me the platform, Brandon!
May 27th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Chip: Some jokes are just *too easy*
A and Chip both: Jason Castro is just *thoroughly* ridiculous, his brilliant ability to tap into Leonard Cohen’s art absolutely notwithstanding. There’s not enough refining in the free world to polish that doofus!